In twenty-two and a half years of my existence on the third rock from the sun I have realized one thing,(there are many others things but this one is in the spotlight today….) that my life till now and maybe the rest of it has been and will be respectively spent trying to achieve the SUPREME goal to be the “dutiful” everything……..for right now…….daughter,friend,sister and for later on……..(it just depresses me right anything regarding that…….so i’m gonna pass on that).Well,then I ask myself why is this a source of such botheration to me? Is it because I have to quelch what I want and just close my eyes and go with what has been decieded for me?
Looking in the other direction,what about my very own dutifulness for myself?I think all the people in this world are constantly comparing themselves to their “ideal-self”.Constantly pushing oneself to be attentive all the time,be quick wit at the very moment when you need it the most,analyzing every situation in the economical way so there is no wastage of resources anyhow,etc…..etc. So today I just got up and made this list of differences between me and the ideal-me.Well,I will not comment on the length of it but I would definetely like to say this it did bring about some un-easy-ness.Maybe that is why sometimes frustration creeps in silently wothout any notice.Well,looking at the brighter side,it gives inspiration and hope that someday these targets will be achieved……………so till then what do I tell myself?The world lives on hope but sometimes it tends to go on a vacation without notice……….what of those times when there is nothing to hold on to except will-power and the world somehow is conspiring to break every inch of you?And then also,though what you have decieded for yourself is what you want then how come the hesitation to take the path that leads to it?Is that lack of motivation or just care-less-ness?So,if that is the case……then before anyone can tell you that they think not so highly of you………you yourself have failed miserably in your own eyes.And then the concept of “I-Don’t-Care” jumps in.But don’t we care………yes and no….both.
So,as I fail in my own eyes bacause my attempts to write something meaningfull have blown away like a dry leaf on the ground to some unknown destination,I wonder ………..maybe I just need to keep moving ahead.
I’m just gonna leave it at that.
