I stare at myself in the mirror. I try to find some sign that will lead me to recognize me. Quite often these days, I forget myself. I don’t think these tired, sad eyes belong to me. I remember my eyes, they used to be sparkling. And this fake smile and tired voice? Certainly not mine. I can have anybody who knows me vouch for the fact that I have a squeaky loud voice.

I remember telling myself like 2 years ago, that I will hold on. I will not let this person inside me wither away with time. But the tests of time, have there mark. The 25^th birthday was I think infact my 50^th birthday.

I miss you my dear friends. And sometimes I imagine what you would have said to me sitting with me in a cozy corner of some coffee shop. We would always have so much to catch up on.

Mom and Dad, I wish you were here with me. Just your presence would make me so strong that nothing could ever touch me.

I miss the familiar roads of my town. The town I knew inside and out. A long way, I have traveled so these roads are so unfamiliar.

Nothing seems to make sense. The clothes : all of them look like rags. The make-up:dull. The romance : lost it’s essence. The beloved job : lost it’s meaning. The most important aspects of life : strangled to death.

I wish someone would just come and shake me real hard. So that all this bad stuff would drain away.

Always wished to write something happy on this side, yet every time it’s the agony.

If I really want to figure out the source here then I suppose I would lose myself in history since the issue of concern travels down the road a long long way. And then it dawns on me that this has been happening since time immemorial.Yes people of the world, I am talking about marriage and about the new relations that come attatched with it.Whether you like it or not,this is a package deal that you have to deal with!

Suddenly the terms,”crossing the line” are interpretted as the ”starting line”,where the ordeal has just begun. And in case you are not quite familiar with the tricks of trade,then it’s time to fasten the seat belts for the roller coaster ride that you have set upon. Living on the edge is now your new lifestyle and consider every sugar coated praise aimed in your direction as a vodoo chant covered with malice.

Like there are two sides to a coin,so this to has different shades. I don’t know if the good side exists but maybe it varies. It does make your life easier in some ways and a living hell in other cases.

Also,now it’s easier to classify the the sea of people in this world and there are only two categories :mean and meaner. And the thinking theory that “people of the world are nice and not everyone is out to take you for a ride” ……is a myth.The naked truth is this that they are out to get you in every possible way they can,so beware!

Honestly,not everything is topsy-turvy about relations + marriage,after all it’s teaching you to be the master of the trade,you can now easily number the levels there are to craftiness and double crossing. Also you learn how to analyze each double meaning sentence addressed to you and that is when your sixth sense confirms your worst fear is about to come true!

Also, the politics going on in the world are making more sense and why not?quite possibly the politicians learnt all the tricks of the trade from marriage itself!Now it’s making sense as to why they wanna unleash their fury over everybody else and for once you cannot help but agree with them.

Well, it’s not all sad here in the boulevard of life,there are those lucky few who walk away unscratched but I guess these are the people who are only heard of,never seen…..and if they do exist…then please tell them to throw some

pearls of wisdom on my side too!!

“How not to be skinned alive”…this is all I can think of these days.Wish somebody had written a book on this very important subject to provide me with some insight. But since there isn’t any book to my rescue…..wondering how to get out of some situations without damage?And also cannot help but wonder why are we all obsessed with being perfect or if not that then atleast being in the vicinity of it?In this world, everywhere empasis are laid on expressing ourselves,the way we are. Then why in any given situation,we mentally compare what ”should-be” the ideal way to handle it and how we are going about it?It is literally a graph comparing both the “should-be” and “what-it-is”.Why are we “should-ing” ourselves in all aspects of our lives?Why is the thought of losing face in front of near and dear ones a huge stigma?Aren’t these the very people who care for us without any prerequsite?Then why in our thoughts do we falter and put them on a pedestral so high where it becomes imposible to relate our worries to them and it becomes more of losing face than sharing.SometimesI wish there were no such barrier of the mind,life would be so simple,so umcomplicated..but I

suppose in the real world, that would be reffered

to as living in the perfect world.I wish the word ”perfect” did not exist in our dictionaries,that way no sin would be a sin,everybody would be on equal ground.It would be easier to tell your closest bud how they have wronged you.It would be easier to tell some mortals that their existance matters and that it would be fanastic if they made you feel the same by trying a little harder.It would be easier to tell your parents that you are not even remotely close to what they think you are and what they have been trying to make out of you since you passed high school.It would be easier to tell yourself that you have ended up at the same place from where you started before, only more hurt and confused. And yet after all this break through thinking,I am still doing rounds of the same vicious circle……Any suggestions?

Everybody has only one thing to say to me these dayz…..that “This time is not gonna come back for you,so enjoy while you can”.I coudn’t agree more.Who in a sane state of mind not welcome a new life?Who would give up a chance to start all over again….to feel brand new???

Certainly not me….

But still, before I throw caution to the wind and embark on this new life there are some old scores that I need to settle…..wish it could be as simple as digging up a grave and throwing all these “expired” sentiments,moments,times and leaving them to rot and deccay…..

But how to get rid of losses that now are inreparable?Try harder….they say…

Tired of living in the past when things and times were as good as they could get…..

Tired of living within the confinment of walls self-created and suffer the loss of a broken heart….

Tired of learning to “let go” .Fighting impulses is like trying to win a world war every day.But learning none-the-less….and getting better.

Tired of waiting for things to happen,situation to change…….but realizing at the same time that the probabilty of sun rising from the west is almost negligible….

Tired of running away from the merest hint of love and hoping that there is somethng better out there…just waiting to happen…

BUT none the less,
Patiently waiting for the day when there will no baggage to carry, no broken heart to mend, nobody to wait for…..

Such is my current status………..content with love yet succesfully amplifying being love starved…….ironic yet but with a hint of bathos!!!

I hold my tears within my heart,

in silence I bear my agony….

For the one who parted from me,

knows the pain of my heart…

Sharper than swords and spears,

are the arrows of love!

There is no one as cruel as love,

This malady no physician can cure,

There is no peace,not for a moment;

So intense is the pain of separation...

Transcribed from Sharin’s blog……..sometimes a picture says it all…..

So today I decieded to let go…..of something,someone…..of times spend together….it’s like life starting a new life….hopefully will be able to fully start over….and be able to simply swap one love for another.

Maybe I should do this exactly.I certainly want to,quite desperately for myself more than anyone,anything else.There is no point in hankering after the happenings of my previous life.This is what they have been reduced to now….a memory.One of the warmest,most tender memory…..but this is from a life that is gone…..Floating out of my grasp,smiling and winking,ready to burst if I attempted to reacapture.It is true,that they appear at all the worst moments,despite my good intentions like wanting to be assured whether I am ready to move on or not…..

I truly want to believe I have a principle and all the heroism of principle.But I know I owe it to myself to put all of my energies into this new life I’ve embarked upon.I need to put down roots and attempt to survive,whatever it takes….

And certainly there is no place for the yearnings that arise from distant places…..too distant to even know off…….where the coloumns are still being tallied and the dues not yet paid…..

Sometimes I think I have suffered enough…..not at the hands of misery(hopefully that too…) but of being misunderstood and being misquoted.So many times, thought of penning down my thoughts in the finer moments of life but apparently I am at my best during the testing times…As I turn into an apostate of the fact that nothing is straight….because no matter how hard anyone must have tried to set the record straight…..the actual meaning is indeed “lost in translation” by those with the dogmatic views.In the opera of life,where drama and tension dominate every scene of every act,sometimes giving or trying the best just dosen’t seem enough…because the lone soul is not alone…..there is company.So what if the whole show went topsy-turvy just because someone forgot their lines?…. should it be declared a failure or was it the dissonance?……At this point the critics suggests……….select the best scene and rewind it whenever…….but I say….the best ones were fragments of my illusion,that alone I created,that alone I own,that are not for sharing…………but what are left,now up for sale or for any taker…..are the fragements with morose thoughts that reek of carelessness,derision.

This is an illusion,

The apperance of things,

But there is reality,

You are the reality,

When you understand this,

YOu know you are nothing,

And being nothing,

You are everything…